20-5-2017

Today went to the Sunway Velocity with my lovely mum and a relative. Bought a new dress which is to be wore during cny. Yes! the cny on next year February and I'm buying now. Perhaps this is the reason of buying too much dress. Right after I'm home. I went out again to buy "something" important. 

Omw to the place, the DJ from the radio said something that touched me a lot. Because of today is 520 that means I love you, so the topic today was all about relationship. What I heard is like this (as translated from chinese): We used to say the most beautiful and memorable is the first love, it is because we usually don't get to be together with him/her. It seems to be precious for things that we don't possess. Perhaps if we manage to be in relationship with first love longer, we would find him/her may not be as perfect as imagine. We should face it calmly for the broken relationship with first love because we somehow had been together with him/her in the past. 

Well, although I never say, I really appreciate that he appeared in my life. That kind of heartache feeling shouldn't be there anymore in order to ensure someone can walk away without any worry. I had been selfish for once and I'm pretty sure that I can't do it once more. No matter how hard it is, accept whatever that has happened is the best way to move on, bae! One last thing that I can spend my effort on the relationship that I loved the most! Thanks for everything though you're not the last who accompany me until the end of the journey... ... 

19-5-2017

Today was a no class day. I slept until 11 am which is a bit unusual. Well, I'd experienced from insomnia and I woke up few times during the midnight. Glad that finally I do not need to jam for nearly 1 hour to the class and get shot by the lecturer like what I have done every week. The impact of yesterday incident considered decreased a lot and so I whatsapp a friend that I've called yesterday while I was suffering from heartache. As usual, he didn't even remember that call. Then, I question myself when should I become mature without needing to rely on guys. This is perhaps the side effect of the melimpah jatuh love by my ex which has over pampered me. Like wtf.

Hmmm. A free afternoon may make me think of the negatives and so it came up to my mind to go out. After all, I decided not to sing alone but watch movie alone. Yea, sometimes I think doing things alone may be good as I do not need wait for a matching timing with others which is troublesome a bit. Watched guardian of galaxy 2, which is a movie that shall be freaking meant a lot for me? Nah, I think probably the main reason I choose to watch now is because it is really interesting (honestly and not cheating). Oh ya, the movie was nice to watch but I was distracted by the naughty child that kept shouting, the boyfriend behind me that kept explaining whats going on to his gf (as if his gf can't watch herself) and also the girl that laughed kind of loud that shocked me at the first time. 

After all, I realise I can't quit myself from learning to be independent. I just need a little more of courage and independence in order to make myself stronger.  How should I have the little? 

You think you've changed?

Today I made the way to let the opposite car make a cross in front of me. While the car was making the turn, I suddenly saw from my left side mirror that there was a motor with a high speed approaching with a high speed. I was about to response on how to stop the car from moving, but it was too late. Just a bam! Accident happened and the motor driver like being thrown out of his bike. I was shocked and leg turned jelly. It made me think that I made it happened. However, the traffic light turned green and I moved on. Along the way to my campus, I couldn't stop myself to blame myself for it and I thought of my ex. YEA! The guilt feeling was totally same as last time. After 5 minutes, I put on signal and stopped by the road shoulder. My heart was pain and I could not breathe with tears rolling down along my cheek. While i was suffering, I've tried to make calls, there I realised everytime I need someone I could not locate anyone of them... ... After a while of struggling in the car, I stopped calling anybody and drove slowly back to the accident place, there were neither the motor nor the car there which added my guilt.

I drove home, my mum was out and I realised I didn't bring my keys. The only thing I could do that moment was sit in my car and wait. Yea, I did those but kept having my tears coming out. Until my mum came home, she was shocked as I cried. She comforted me by claiming that it was not my fault, just like the people said it was not my fault for my ex's death. Although I've finally calmed, whenever the environment is silent, I start to think again. This incident clearly prove that I did not really come out from what had happened 7 years ago now I even positive about it. Despite the writings on this blog, twitter, how many times I drunk myself or whatever, deep inside my heart, there isn't any change. I claimed that I have had new life, new people and new environment, but the heartache today have proven that all that was wrong... ... Need EOT?

死了

看回之前的那几个post，快要被自己搞笑了。原来啊，我真的疯了。有人说，被人骗一次或许是没经验；被骗两次或许善良；三次是笨；以后呢就大概无药可救了。那我大概就应该被归类在最严重那个组吧！不要牵涉诅咒或任何人，光说自己呀，回想起来就有多么的天真，就像长不大的孩子一样。大人的世界，我或许还玩不起吧。

经历了这么多次的伤害，我只能说我死了。从前的那个我，心死了...不需要解释，不需要掩饰，不需要争吵，都不需要了。拜托离我越远越好，我退出了，不玩了。请不要再打扰我，现在的我只需要一个人，那就是静静。