20-5-2017

Today went to the Sunway Velocity with my lovely mum and a relative. Bought a new dress which is to be wore during cny. Yes! the cny on next year February and I'm buying now. Perhaps this is the reason of buying too much dress. Right after I'm home. I went out again to buy "something" important. 

Omw to the place, the DJ from the radio said something that touched me a lot. Because of today is 520 that means I love you, so the topic today was all about relationship. What I heard is like this (as translated from chinese): We used to say the most beautiful and memorable is the first love, it is because we usually don't get to be together with him/her. It seems to be precious for things that we don't possess. Perhaps if we manage to be in relationship with first love longer, we would find him/her may not be as perfect as imagine. We should face it calmly for the broken relationship with first love because we somehow had been together with him/her in the past. 

Well, although I never say, I really appreciate that he appeared in my life. That kind of heartache feeling shouldn't be there anymore in order to ensure someone can walk away without any worry. I had been selfish for once and I'm pretty sure that I can't do it once more. No matter how hard it is, accept whatever that has happened is the best way to move on, bae! One last thing that I can spend my effort on the relationship that I loved the most! Thanks for everything though you're not the last who accompany me until the end of the journey... ... 

19-5-2017

Today was a no class day. I slept until 11 am which is a bit unusual. Well, I'd experienced from insomnia and I woke up few times during the midnight. Glad that finally I do not need to jam for nearly 1 hour to the class and get shot by the lecturer like what I have done every week. The impact of yesterday incident considered decreased a lot and so I whatsapp a friend that I've called yesterday while I was suffering from heartache. As usual, he didn't even remember that call. Then, I question myself when should I become mature without needing to rely on guys. This is perhaps the side effect of the melimpah jatuh love by my ex which has over pampered me. Like wtf.

Hmmm. A free afternoon may make me think of the negatives and so it came up to my mind to go out. After all, I decided not to sing alone but watch movie alone. Yea, sometimes I think doing things alone may be good as I do not need wait for a matching timing with others which is troublesome a bit. Watched guardian of galaxy 2, which is a movie that shall be freaking meant a lot for me? Nah, I think probably the main reason I choose to watch now is because it is really interesting (honestly and not cheating). Oh ya, the movie was nice to watch but I was distracted by the naughty child that kept shouting, the boyfriend behind me that kept explaining whats going on to his gf (as if his gf can't watch herself) and also the girl that laughed kind of loud that shocked me at the first time. 

After all, I realise I can't quit myself from learning to be independent. I just need a little more of courage and independence in order to make myself stronger.  How should I have the little? 

You think you've changed?

Today I made the way to let the opposite car make a cross in front of me. While the car was making the turn, I suddenly saw from my left side mirror that there was a motor with a high speed approaching with a high speed. I was about to response on how to stop the car from moving, but it was too late. Just a bam! Accident happened and the motor driver like being thrown out of his bike. I was shocked and leg turned jelly. It made me think that I made it happened. However, the traffic light turned green and I moved on. Along the way to my campus, I couldn't stop myself to blame myself for it and I thought of my ex. YEA! The guilt feeling was totally same as last time. After 5 minutes, I put on signal and stopped by the road shoulder. My heart was pain and I could not breathe with tears rolling down along my cheek. While i was suffering, I've tried to make calls, there I realised everytime I need someone I could not locate anyone of them... ... After a while of struggling in the car, I stopped calling anybody and drove slowly back to the accident place, there were neither the motor nor the car there which added my guilt.

I drove home, my mum was out and I realised I didn't bring my keys. The only thing I could do that moment was sit in my car and wait. Yea, I did those but kept having my tears coming out. Until my mum came home, she was shocked as I cried. She comforted me by claiming that it was not my fault, just like the people said it was not my fault for my ex's death. Although I've finally calmed, whenever the environment is silent, I start to think again. This incident clearly prove that I did not really come out from what had happened 7 years ago now I even positive about it. Despite the writings on this blog, twitter, how many times I drunk myself or whatever, deep inside my heart, there isn't any change. I claimed that I have had new life, new people and new environment, but the heartache today have proven that all that was wrong... ... Need EOT?

死了

看回之前的那几个post，快要被自己搞笑了。原来啊，我真的疯了。有人说，被人骗一次或许是没经验；被骗两次或许善良；三次是笨；以后呢就大概无药可救了。那我大概就应该被归类在最严重那个组吧！不要牵涉诅咒或任何人，光说自己呀，回想起来就有多么的天真，就像长不大的孩子一样。大人的世界，我或许还玩不起吧。

经历了这么多次的伤害，我只能说我死了。从前的那个我，心死了...不需要解释，不需要掩饰，不需要争吵，都不需要了。拜托离我越远越好，我退出了，不玩了。请不要再打扰我，现在的我只需要一个人，那就是静静。

不能说的秘密

懂得让我微笑的人，懂得让我流泪的人，在没有谁比他有天分，给的感动如此的深-非你莫属

有一个人，他让我笑过哭过、明知我重还背我两次…我们曾经吵过架也和好了…在不知不觉中，一起度过了两个圣诞和情人节…原来我早已经习惯了他的存在… 然而，他的心却不属于我，而是我的好朋友… 眼睁睁看见他为了她而伤心，我只能默默地向老天爷祈祷让他更坚强。

曾经我被甩过，也因为种种过去而不敢要了…我只想好好地冷静下来，把这份情感小心翼翼地藏在心底最深处, 把它变成我对他的祝福…而这将成为我不能说的秘密，请大家千万不要告诉他…

心结

有些事，你以为你不说不提不碰，好好地把它保存在心底，就会逐渐被遗忘。我知道应该把最好的自己留给下一位；也知道不应该回头看过去；更知道人应该要更加坚强！原来说一套做一套是如此的简单...

时间越过越久，我发觉心中有着一个结。我知道它的存在，但却无法将他解开。或许，它会一直这样牵绊着我。在爱情里，我依然还是那位小学还没毕业的学生，无法遇到自己信誓旦旦要找得到的那位。日子一天一天的过去，某位在远方应该不再守护我了。但是，我常常告诉我自己，不能放弃！因为那是他教会我的事...虽然他最终放弃了，但是我会秉持着这一份信念，好好的走完... 我深深相信，哪怕他不再守护者我，也不希望我步上他的后尘！

我只想保留着美好的回忆，那些曾经被他深深爱着的感觉。只有这样，我才能够有动力继续！

给自己的一封信

心还是热的吗？！
希望什么，得到什么？
相信什么，又看见了什么？
有些事情想的人多遇见的人少，
不要因为一时的不快乐而忘了那成千上万令你开怀大笑的事，
更不要为了那些伤害你的人错过了身边真心对待的家人朋友。
有些事，有些人，他们的出现，是在对的时候对的场合发生，
而这对与不对，并不是我们决定与主宰的，
我们也只能尽力而为的去面对，
可以是最简单的微笑，也可以是最积极的反驳，至少你面对了。
你以为逃避带来痛苦，或许面对会好些，但却更为辛苦。
不经历风雨，怎么能看见彩虹呢？
纵使没有彩虹，也有属于晴天最温暖的太阳微笑。
这简单的世界有着不同的人类。
有时候，复杂的关系、事情、态度可以把最强悍的暴风雨带到你的世界，
为什么要被常常出现的暴风雨打败，为何不耐心等待呢？因为…
再强的风雨，也会有停止的那一刻；
再难熬的事情，也会有过去的那一天。

只想说一声，加油吧宝贝