20-5-2017

Today went to the Sunway Velocity with my lovely mum and a relative. Bought a new dress which is to be wore during cny. Yes! the cny on next year February and I'm buying now. Perhaps this is the reason of buying too much dress. Right after I'm home. I went out again to buy "something" important. 

Omw to the place, the DJ from the radio said something that touched me a lot. Because of today is 520 that means I love you, so the topic today was all about relationship. What I heard is like this (as translated from chinese): We used to say the most beautiful and memorable is the first love, it is because we usually don't get to be together with him/her. It seems to be precious for things that we don't possess. Perhaps if we manage to be in relationship with first love longer, we would find him/her may not be as perfect as imagine. We should face it calmly for the broken relationship with first love because we somehow had been together with him/her in the past. 

Well, although I never say, I really appreciate that he appeared in my life. That kind of heartache feeling shouldn't be there anymore in order to ensure someone can walk away without any worry. I had been selfish for once and I'm pretty sure that I can't do it once more. No matter how hard it is, accept whatever that has happened is the best way to move on, bae! One last thing that I can spend my effort on the relationship that I loved the most! Thanks for everything though you're not the last who accompany me until the end of the journey... ... 

19-5-2017

Today was a no class day. I slept until 11 am which is a bit unusual. Well, I'd experienced from insomnia and I woke up few times during the midnight. Glad that finally I do not need to jam for nearly 1 hour to the class and get shot by the lecturer like what I have done every week. The impact of yesterday incident considered decreased a lot and so I whatsapp a friend that I've called yesterday while I was suffering from heartache. As usual, he didn't even remember that call. Then, I question myself when should I become mature without needing to rely on guys. This is perhaps the side effect of the melimpah jatuh love by my ex which has over pampered me. Like wtf.

Hmmm. A free afternoon may make me think of the negatives and so it came up to my mind to go out. After all, I decided not to sing alone but watch movie alone. Yea, sometimes I think doing things alone may be good as I do not need wait for a matching timing with others which is troublesome a bit. Watched guardian of galaxy 2, which is a movie that shall be freaking meant a lot for me? Nah, I think probably the main reason I choose to watch now is because it is really interesting (honestly and not cheating). Oh ya, the movie was nice to watch but I was distracted by the naughty child that kept shouting, the boyfriend behind me that kept explaining whats going on to his gf (as if his gf can't watch herself) and also the girl that laughed kind of loud that shocked me at the first time. 

After all, I realise I can't quit myself from learning to be independent. I just need a little more of courage and independence in order to make myself stronger.  How should I have the little? 

You think you've changed?

Today I made the way to let the opposite car make a cross in front of me. While the car was making the turn, I suddenly saw from my left side mirror that there was a motor with a high speed approaching with a high speed. I was about to response on how to stop the car from moving, but it was too late. Just a bam! Accident happened and the motor driver like being thrown out of his bike. I was shocked and leg turned jelly. It made me think that I made it happened. However, the traffic light turned green and I moved on. Along the way to my campus, I couldn't stop myself to blame myself for it and I thought of my ex. YEA! The guilt feeling was totally same as last time. After 5 minutes, I put on signal and stopped by the road shoulder. My heart was pain and I could not breathe with tears rolling down along my cheek. While i was suffering, I've tried to make calls, there I realised everytime I need someone I could not locate anyone of them... ... After a while of struggling in the car, I stopped calling anybody and drove slowly back to the accident place, there were neither the motor nor the car there which added my guilt.

I drove home, my mum was out and I realised I didn't bring my keys. The only thing I could do that moment was sit in my car and wait. Yea, I did those but kept having my tears coming out. Until my mum came home, she was shocked as I cried. She comforted me by claiming that it was not my fault, just like the people said it was not my fault for my ex's death. Although I've finally calmed, whenever the environment is silent, I start to think again. This incident clearly prove that I did not really come out from what had happened 7 years ago now I even positive about it. Despite the writings on this blog, twitter, how many times I drunk myself or whatever, deep inside my heart, there isn't any change. I claimed that I have had new life, new people and new environment, but the heartache today have proven that all that was wrong... ... Need EOT?

死了

看回之前的那几个post，快要被自己搞笑了。原来啊，我真的疯了。有人说，被人骗一次或许是没经验；被骗两次或许善良；三次是笨；以后呢就大概无药可救了。那我大概就应该被归类在最严重那个组吧！不要牵涉诅咒或任何人，光说自己呀，回想起来就有多么的天真，就像长不大的孩子一样。大人的世界，我或许还玩不起吧。

经历了这么多次的伤害，我只能说我死了。从前的那个我，心死了...不需要解释，不需要掩饰，不需要争吵，都不需要了。拜托离我越远越好，我退出了，不玩了。请不要再打扰我，现在的我只需要一个人，那就是静静。

不能说的秘密

懂得让我微笑的人，懂得让我流泪的人，在没有谁比他有天分，给的感动如此的深-非你莫属

有一个人，他让我笑过哭过、明知我重还背我两次…我们曾经吵过架也和好了…在不知不觉中，一起度过了两个圣诞和情人节…原来我早已经习惯了他的存在… 然而，他的心却不属于我，而是我的好朋友… 眼睁睁看见他为了她而伤心，我只能默默地向老天爷祈祷让他更坚强。

曾经我被甩过，也因为种种过去而不敢要了…我只想好好地冷静下来，把这份情感小心翼翼地藏在心底最深处, 把它变成我对他的祝福…而这将成为我不能说的秘密，请大家千万不要告诉他…

心结

有些事，你以为你不说不提不碰，好好地把它保存在心底，就会逐渐被遗忘。我知道应该把最好的自己留给下一位；也知道不应该回头看过去；更知道人应该要更加坚强！原来说一套做一套是如此的简单...

时间越过越久，我发觉心中有着一个结。我知道它的存在，但却无法将他解开。或许，它会一直这样牵绊着我。在爱情里，我依然还是那位小学还没毕业的学生，无法遇到自己信誓旦旦要找得到的那位。日子一天一天的过去，某位在远方应该不再守护我了。但是，我常常告诉我自己，不能放弃！因为那是他教会我的事...虽然他最终放弃了，但是我会秉持着这一份信念，好好的走完... 我深深相信，哪怕他不再守护者我，也不希望我步上他的后尘！

我只想保留着美好的回忆，那些曾经被他深深爱着的感觉。只有这样，我才能够有动力继续！

给自己的一封信

心还是热的吗？！
希望什么，得到什么？
相信什么，又看见了什么？
有些事情想的人多遇见的人少，
不要因为一时的不快乐而忘了那成千上万令你开怀大笑的事，
更不要为了那些伤害你的人错过了身边真心对待的家人朋友。
有些事，有些人，他们的出现，是在对的时候对的场合发生，
而这对与不对，并不是我们决定与主宰的，
我们也只能尽力而为的去面对，
可以是最简单的微笑，也可以是最积极的反驳，至少你面对了。
你以为逃避带来痛苦，或许面对会好些，但却更为辛苦。
不经历风雨，怎么能看见彩虹呢？
纵使没有彩虹，也有属于晴天最温暖的太阳微笑。
这简单的世界有着不同的人类。
有时候，复杂的关系、事情、态度可以把最强悍的暴风雨带到你的世界，
为什么要被常常出现的暴风雨打败，为何不耐心等待呢？因为…
再强的风雨，也会有停止的那一刻；
再难熬的事情，也会有过去的那一天。

只想说一声，加油吧宝贝

Lost in somewhere else?

Recently, I'm not interested in anything. Perhaps it's time to format and start from the beginning because I'm like an old laptop that is filled of rubbish memories. Well, the technology now haven't have something that can format human's brain. Haha. 

If you question me the reason I seem give up on everything I will be pleased if you can find the answer for me as I also don't know what is the actual reason that made up everything. Probably after the exam and semester break it would be better. I hope I can get inspiration somewhere at sometime during the holiday. 

Now what I hope the most is to sleep well because I am having insomnia right now T.T 

When You're Tired of Everything

Time flies, my semester 4 is going to end soon. If you ask me whether I enjoy, my answer is yes! I'm enjoying in the mini society of school life while there is always someone who put on a mask in interaction.

Wonder why I said so? Let me ask you.  What would you do when you need to guess all the while whether something that is done is sincere or fake? What would you do when you realize you don't have anyone to be with you in the class when you "officially" have friends and bro? What would you do when your best friend is very close to the guy  that hurt you a lots instead of you when you actually need someone to be with you? What would you do when your bro treated you bad to avoid the misunderstanding of the aforesaid "best friend"? What would you do when your so called "best friend" that you have known for around 2 years don't even bother to talk to you when both you are sitting or eating together? What would you do when 2 person are saying the different thing and you wonder who to trust to while you feel hurt for either side is lying? If you do not know what to do, let me tell you I have no idea too!

I always hear people say, a couple that don't fight or quarrel will break up easily. Now I know the sentence is applicable to friendship as well. One says only the one you care and love can hurt you. Yes! I care but I don't know whether they do or not. Because I actually care a lot about her, so her ability to hurt me is 99.9%. But I guess now this doesn't matter anymore...

信爱成瘾

原来爱一个人是幸福的，是快乐的。尽管坐在他身边，两人不哼一声我都觉得满足；纵使自己多没有安全感，只要他在身边都可以安心的入睡。对，这就是爱！不因为什么，只因是他/她。你可以为了TA 的一举一动开心一整天，但也因为TA的冷漠对待莫名的悲伤一整天甚至更久。难道，这就是信爱成瘾吗？

有时候，你选择离开，那并不是因为你不爱了，而是你累惹。再多坚强、乐观的人，长期受到忽冷忽热的对待都会累的。暧昧是美好的，但长久的猜疑只会让人怀疑自己到底是不是那位。日子久惹，慢慢地就觉得如果有诚意的话，TA就不会如此对待。而选择离开，不代表厌恶TA的对待，只是不想让TA 觉得我很烦。只想默默的让TA 记得有我这位朋友。

如果你也爱过，你就知道爱也是一种瘾，就像毒品一样。现在的我，就像在戒毒般的，只要想找TA的瘾来的时候，都好幸苦啊！为什么我要爱得如此田地😞😞😞

Betray

Murphy Law states that the more you deny something the higher the possibilities it'll happen. I believe it's happening to me. I hate being betrayed because I always wanted to treat everybody good.

When I recall my memories, every scene of the betray despite by friends or the special one has hurt me so much. I always think that mirror effect should be applied everywhere but why i am betrayed when I treat spthem sincerely. Or too kind is a type of fault?

I remember 王子华said before "世界很简单，人类很复杂". This means that things do not go complicated but human. Sometimes it's better for you to be Noob or silly in order to live your life happily and haremonic. Knowing too much is not a good thing too! Now I learned to let go. It doesn't mean I give up on everything. Just be myself, those who care care, those who don't care don't care.

It's alright for the betray because the people who trust me trust, those who don't trust throw. Haha. When the person becomes not important, his/her ability to hurt = 0. Thanks for letting me know what is meant by a true friend. I appreciate as always.

25 minutes

Have you ever step into the class and your lecturer says " hey, you're 5minutes late and you wasted our time?" ? And you will OS who cares about the 5 minutes?! Yea, this is what you think when it happens to the lecture, what if the same thing happens to your love ones, when you're late and it is irreversible like the games you play.

When you are aware that you need to accompany your parents but you're just too busy:
(Nvm, I can accompany them next time).
When you know the special one is waiting for you and you take it for granted:
(Nvm, he/she will always be there for me)

Nonetheless, you never think that things don't  go like what you expect sometimes. There is a lyrics by Fish Leong that always touch me:你总说时间还很多，你可以等我，以前我不懂得未必明天就有以后…… Don't look down on the minutes, it may turn into forever regret.

不具名的悲伤

This song is sung by Luo Zhi Xiang saying he has an unknown sadness. I believe everyone surely feel sad before but have you ever feeling sad without any specific reason? 

I guess you must have been some impressive incidents then you'll understand how it feels. It's like the incident have already over for so long and you might have forgotten about it. Yet, when the memory suddenly come to your mind, you'll feel the sadness while you don't know why you have the feeling either. I guess this is what the song called 不具名的悲伤. 

After years, when my old memories visit me, tears drop unconditionally and I don't know why. The only way I could find an explanation is this song, perhaps ones would say I try to escape from the reality. But I don't. I've accepted everything happened in my life, because I believe if they didn't happen, everything now will not go the same. I think it's time for me to go to bed :) 

Love is to bless for her/his happiness

When I was young, my ex told me if you really love someone regardless family or friends, you will want him/her be happy though you're not with them. I guess it was too deep for me to understand. After all, I don't understand but feel it. I know the one that I love doesn't feel the same as me yet I hope he can find someone whom he appreciates. It's painful for me but I can feel the happiness too!

Last time when my grandma was sick, she declined to stay in hospital and asked to be discharged. Then, she went home and was put on a drip as she was unable to eat anything. Few days later, the drip was removed because my grandma said it was painful. Last time, I don't understand. When she couldn't eat anything, the drip was the only way to help and why should my grandpa agree to remove it. Now I know, how deep my grandpa loves her. My grandma likes to bet on the 4D, and always make customise new clothes for a dinner. Though grandpa awared that those are not neccesary, he still pampered my grandma like nobody else. This is nothing but LOVE. Anything he does for a reason, that is her happiness.

So, it doesn't matter that the special one is not me, I truly hope he can be happy and healthy always
Hearts Eefang

我才发现，对最爱你的人来说，他们都希望你爱自己多一点

我的instagram hashtag aefdyd 爱于芳多一点，原来都讲到做不到...已经很久惹...我和他认识惹很久，但却不曾了解过对方...够惹，于芳要梦醒惹，就像妈妈说的，“我不想再看见你继续让他伤害你。” 虽然会很痛，但我不想再浪费时间了。就让我在做一次奇怪的人吧！让我再一次消失吧！这一次，我不会再block 或逃避，我要光明正大地放开，走开，就像四年前，我们俩不联络一年一样，也并没有怎么样，因为我活过来惹。

曾经，我爱过的他离开惹这世界，我也一样，还能在这儿继续写我的blog。真的并不会怎样，顶多在伤心个1年。对！

谢谢你出现过在我的生命里，还如此特别的相识，我想我这辈子都不会忘记，这位特别的朋友。但我累惹，需要休息惹。再见了，振琛！

I'm not sure this is love.

We'd never talk until my birthday. Then I knew he is working nearby my campus and I took his car sometimes. Honestly, I felt so so so happy like I never had before when I have the chance to sit in his car. Yet, soon I realised his lifestyle and everything are so different from mine. In my opinion, I never thought this would be an reason for me to affect my stands but for him definitely yes. Right from the start, I have already knew the outcome yet I still volunteer to go deep into it. While the whole world including my mum is saying I'm crazy and I admit it.

This is what I told my best friend:"Just let me have a nice dream until May and I'll wake up, by the time I can reduce my weight as I'll be very very sad and emo." She know this serves me right but she said she will cry together with me XD

Despite he doesn't love me or anything, I still willing to do all those things because I aware that love is blind and it always does. One of my friend questioned me why I can't persist so long. My answer is "because its him." I said "maybe someday I'll let go when he's having his girl, and there are 2 possibilities, one his girl is me, or my boy is not him. " Which mean the chance for him would last til the day he found his girl. #eefangiscrazy 

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas!!!!! My Christmas was with the same gang of person last year. The only difference is some are engaged and I'm not in the "some" LOL. And then came out with a conclusion that we should bring our partner for the next Christmas. Okay! What a goal! 

Even I was being asked about my recent relationship status...Ops! This time round giving up on him seems easiest ever, not sure that I really let go so easily or the mentally effect hasn't come. All in a sudden, I realised something which I don't know how to describe. Anyway, there is one thing I crystal clear about which is I have been nothing for him nor past neither present. Singing: I'm nothing and I know it. Feel thankful as he really thought me a lesson. Thank you! 

So now, I should enjoy my life. Final soon!!! Like seriously I'm nervous yet I don't find my study mood yet:( 

All the best to everyone! Hope everyone can be better than 2015 in 2016 :))))) 

 #eefangistough #efslife #enjoykay

Mistakes Say no regret again!

Ah! Yes. There are many regrets in one's life, same goes to me. I regret I didn't make clear of our relationship, didn't appreciate him, didn't talk properly last time. Okay! So, I decided to get it back though I'm not sure whether it works.

I guess he would never ever know. Since the very first time we knew each other, he had given me the special feelings that is different from others. Felt touched that he could watch a football match as I'm a die hard fans. Have the initiative to share each and everything with him. Until I was in SG, the feelings of safe while texting with him in another country. Also, he would never know that how well I can remember everything about him:his birthday, his test, his event etc as long as he told me. Never know how nervous during the first time he came to my house and fetched me out. Never know how I can be affected by his message for the whole day. Even can purposely go for an event just because I aware that he is going too! For me, all these I would never expect him to know because I love him, Sam Goo. He would never know how deep I fall.

Though being rejected directly or indirectly and he might have girlfriend already, I would never give up until 9December because its his school event, which last year I had put aeroplane. This year I wanted to compensate for what I have done wrong. After 9December, I will slowly walk away from his life. Not because I don't love anymore but to give blessings is also a kind of love. I know love from the wrong person only make nuisance.

Sam, I will leave soon, very soon just in 2 weeks time. Thank you for teaching me how to love, I started to learn after the 29thaugust when I was stucked in the bersih train and thought of you when I was hardly breath. I feel happy in this few months though you don't reply me on everything. Don't worry I will be fine, pretty fine :) #eefangistough #walkawayisakindoflove2

小幸运

在很久很久很久的以后我才知道，当你以为你珍惜的人是值得时，他不是真的值得，当你以为某些人不配时，他们却是真的值得被珍惜的人… ～我的少女时代

人生就是不停地在努力，努力的受伤、掉眼泪，然后学习坚强～那些年

如果可以，我希望我的记忆停留在那时候我们很好的那时候～被偷走的那五年

我累了…已经不懂得如何去分辨了…感觉上每次都会看错人…但是，遇见他sg 是我这一生的小幸运…

怕黑就开灯；累了就睡觉…我真的需要睡觉

8th October 2015

I can be good or bad. Its a mirror effect. Sometimes when you have your temper, others too! No one is borne to bear with your so called- bad mood. Yet, I shouldn't have being affected by it as it is not worth. 

During childhood, if you doesn't like someone or something. You will just sort of unfriend him or voice out your disagreement. As we are becoming mature, we realised that we can't do that anymore. Some comments only meant to keep to ourselves. Slowly, we will like a crazy as there is too much negative stuff dy. So I considered writing here can throw some waste items here. Haha.

At the end of the day, I've learned that we should have control our EQ and not easily throw the negative things to other person though it is difficult to do it sometimes. One Chinese Idioms is very good to bear in mind: 己所不欲，勿施于人， which means when you do not like something, please do not do it to other person as well! 

Attached one article I saw in fb which entitled "Read this when you are tired of everything"

http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/06/read-this-when-youre-tired-of-everything/

I know what it’s like to feel tired – and not just in the physical sense.

The world that we live in is an exhausting place to be. It is wearing. It is thankless. It is endlessly trying and scarcely rewarding. You’re tired simply because you live in it. You’re tired of loving too much, caring too much, giving too much to a world that never gives anything back. You are tired of investing in indefinite outcomes. You’re tired of uncertainties. Tired of grey.